A corker

I walked with a bounce today not just because the sun shone but because I had something in my heart that money can't buy...Hope. Hope that things/life is on the up.
And so I strolled with an excellent handbag in the crook of my elbow allowing myself the luxury of letting go.
And all my regular readers will know what that means...

1. Carrying mum not only emotionally but sometimes physically as well...I put those dreadful months in the cupboard inside my chokka block head. They're heavy but tucked away.

2. Financial nightmares... not only in the dark wee small hours but during the day when watching films, and, however good the movie, the penny pound gremlins ate at my flesh...But today I kicked back.... A job could be shooting my way...

3. Dad's departure. The worst thing I've ever seen or felt. I don't expect he was pleased either. But he couldn't see us, me and mum that is, he couldn't see what his shuffling away did. For the past 56 years or so he'd done his bit and on that warm July night with a pulsating, rough skinned throat he went away.
I miss him... especially now, as I have some good stuff to talk about. Forever and ever I've yakked to him about everything, from boys to men, from pennies to pounds, from despair to elation...And he always had points to make, some I fought him over but mostly my in-house Solomon was right on the money mate.
Fuck death.


Anyway mateys today I flew from a to b then back to a, no car to carry me, it being in for an MOT. So bussing it with a team of old dears I hopped a ride to Hockley.
The sun was out that's for sure, because there was a positive infestation of buggy pushers, idling chatty workmen, crippled male warriors with bad hands and bronzed women in pink polyester tops with bare arms.

In my first shop I bought a pair of 'sapphire and diamond' ear rings for 50p. Keeping with the pair thing, I bagged a pair of cracking M&S jeans in faded black. £2. I was soooo happy.
Then I popped to the Co-Op for a red pepper and Sweetheart cabbage. The cashier reminded me of a young Margaret Thatcher and the jolly woman in a lemon ensemble behind me told me she had ' a full house for the weekend' ....I suppose that's why her trolley was bending under the weight of cola, toilet tissue and 'reduced' sausage rolls. She had crooked mauve lipped smile. 80 if a day.

Ok.
So far so excellent.
Then came the scary bit. Into the post office for a set of pics, I went in looking like an English Rose or so I thought but when handed the pics I told 'Jack' his camera must have a colour malfunction..I looked like I'd been dipped in creosote.
Still we had a chuckle Jack the Postmaster and I, him saying I had lovely eyes and would I like another bag of Mintoes ( a favourite of mine).
I declined because I'd got what I wanted so left him chattering on like a parrot about Indian summers... he should know.

Back on the bus with old dolls-a plenty, I twiddled with my new ear rings. Imagining them glinting in candlelight or being tugged at by a rough lover.
Dream over I alighted near a pub....
I felt rather pleased with myself and so having a few bob left I ditched the idea of beans on toast and tea and decided instead to have a pint of wallop and bag of crisps.
I would never have done that before but I felt enthused and happy on account of the weather and Hope....

So today has been a dream, didn't do much at all really, nothing I don't usually do.. the alcohol stop being the exception of course...., but I felt optimistic, feeling as if things are changing for the better..
And oh my giddy aunt did that beer taste good upon my upturned English Rose lips...

If I could have one, no let's be greedy, let's ask for two, if I could have two wishes they'd be more days like today and, well, I think you know the other;)

Well...
After a horrendous night (awake at 3 a.m. making cocoa and watching the news) I finally managed to get myself into gear and toddle off to my job interview at ten. I'll not go into laborious detail but suffice to say I want this job. I want it desperately. In fact I don't think I've ever wanted anything so much. If and it's an almighty if, if I manage to land the position I'll bore you to death with the minutiae over the next few weeks. Bet you can't wait:(
Anyway, I did my best and that's all I could do.
Now I wait...
I'm not in the mood for cooking, eating, playing, writing, telly, radio or shopping so I'm going to rest. I feel I need to and I'm a great believer in listening to one's body and mine is saying "Oy you, take a break". So I will.
Just before I hibernate I must just tell you about my sniffles, they're petering out...My God this is a good blog;)

Faith in You....poem

Faith in you, and tonight's dragons are made impotent
Waiting for you, my endless sunless tunnels cave in
Wanting you, I linger in the dust

I have you

And a sparkling woman rises
bedecked with dragon's teeth for jewels
My dusty sight been made perfect
a parched and loveless self
made moist

Believe in me.

Back from my quick fire trip to London and all is the same. And so with an overpowering emptiness engulfing me I let chocolate and tears come together on my tongue.
Monty is on the floor entangled in the baked laundry and the sun is still shining and I don't know why, but but I wish it would go away.
I've lost track of Wimbledon, only game I remember watching was Murray v Gasquet. Sweet.
Don't give a damn about the Ladies final. Pointless if it's a Williams sisters party.
My new handbag is lying on my bed, it doesn't look so grand or pretty any more.
This is pointless.
Never in my life have I felt so numb, so completely and utterly devoid of a life worth living, so I'm sorry this is a bad post, but I can't think of anything good to write about.