Pre-Christmas Waffling

Things which are essential for a good Christmas in Glo's gaff.

1. Unignited Puddings because blazing puddings set the alarm off and taste horrible
2. Alcohol free fruit cakes because Monty might grab a crumb and end up blotto
3. BBC News 24 to see happy newsreaders and giant trees
4. Port but only in the evening on the settee with a feather in my hair
5. Baggy socks because stockings are for New Years Eve
6. Sterile instruments for touching meat
7. Mint Aero when watching a horror film. Probably.
8. Washing Line rope in case I get drunk and dangerous
9. Hankies for tears of joy, terrible sadness and dribbles
10. Sending happy emails to chums

Things I Won't Ever Do at Christmas

1. Wash sheets or towels
2. Walk down the road for anything or anyone
3. Get dressed, preferring to remain in slumber wear
4. Look at recipe books, do that all year thank you very much
5. Clean windows
6. Engage in any form of plumbing, the taps can drip to death
7. Post erotica, either on Glo or in the post to strangers
8. Do anything with cheap meat
9. Read
10. Start fights

Presents I Want In My Stocking

1. Money, preferably clean
2. Teddy Bears, the bigger the better, but a small one will do
3. A Sat Nav, because I go out more now
4. Chocolate, but not from Poundland
5. Opium by Yves St Laurent, it is my most favourite
6. A real ink pen with a nib and everything, on account of me playing at being a writer
7. Erotic underwear from Cathouseclothing.com Thanking you in advance
8. Talcum powder
9. A new New Testament, because my old New Testament is well used
10. A large God-like man, who can supply all of the above