Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Even snuggling down into the ten quid seats didn't quite manage to squeeze a smile out of me. For why?
Because the blockbuster of the year, of the century and in the entire history of motion pictures was crap. It was as a load of bad screaming nonsense. It probably cost billions of dollars to make but even the deadly overdose of CGI didn't make it a classy portrayal of Armageddon. It just made the end of the world look very silly indeed.
A script so poor as to be laughable, acting so dire it made me want to hit someone and a storyline so ridiculous I violently poked Henry's ribs at least a dozen times. He, the poor old lamb, wedged himself into his end seat feeding his tum with the entire contents of bag of peppermint Aero balls but from the ooohs and oh no's I figured he kinda liked the action movie.
I allowed some Butterkist popcorn to agitate my teeth whist my neck and brain ached.
The computer generated nonsense was extreme, I've certainly never seen anything like it, and although it brought yelps from some the audience, it left me wondering why the makers of this film sacrificed a good story for over the top graphics. It was all too much.
Henry sneezed when the President got smashed to smithereens by the Washington monument I offered a tissue and wondered what the hell Danny Glover was thinking when he was offered the role..."Hmmm multi dollars for shitty film, yes please..."
Meanwhile as a silly dog ran through Tsuanamis and even sillier old men shouted from shacks in Yellowstone Park I decided to go a bit lower on account of my neck.
As the great and the good floated around in a Chinese Ark at the base of Mount Everest I opened the marshmallows. What I wondered would the superb Irwin Allen thought of this spectacle. He of course being the maker of The Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Inferno. These were proper disaster movies. No computer generated scenes, just fantastic characters with great lines. Still, tastes change and if you look at TPA now it looks a bit dated and safe but it didn't need to rely on such extraordinary bangs to keep you watching. The brilliant cast did that.
So to sum up.
2012 was hokum at it's most hilarious.
Falling buildings, castles, hanging giraffes from helicopters, Old Tibetan lamas sitting about wisely, dysfunctional American families coming together, billionaire Russians saving themselves, the cosmetically enhanced wife of the aforementioned Russian drowning to death but managing to save the puppy. Collapsing motorways swallowing up cities, age old mountains crumbling like am oxo cube and cathedrals landing on the heads of foreigners at prayer.
Utter nonsense.
But I had a thoroughly good time with Henry.
Him moaning about the price of chocolate and his wish that we get stuck in the lift.
Me freezing in my outfit outside the Odeon late at night waiting for criminalised Walter to pick us up.
Could a woman ask for more?:)
