Things I Can't Live Without. WARNING! IT'S A WHOPPER!

1. Big secondhand ornamental plates. Laying flat or propped up waiting to fall.

2. Monty. Awake or asleep. Fragrant or smelly.

3. Hidden money. Especially £20 notes.


4. My navy blue goatskin gloves. Winter spring summer and autumn.

5. Red lipstick. Looks smashing spread widely.

6. Laughing. 'Tis the bestist medicine.


7. Balding men. Six-pack chaps are fine but muscular tubbies are welcome too!

8. Chocolate. In any form. Anywhere.

9. Cakes. Happy full fat ones. Keep miserable low fat ones right away from me.


10. Cucumbers. Both real and ceramic.

11. Poetry. Old and new. But nothing from The Southend Poetry Group. Thank you.

12. My charm. Get it from dad. So glad I haven't got his wind.


13. Secondhand skirts. Short, long, but never in between.

14. Essex Gold Radio. Old records to head bang to on my way to Sainsburys.

15. Erotic lingerie.


16. Vaseline. For lips and eyebrows. Nothing sexual. For that, nothing beats Flora Buttery.

I Don't Want Ronaldo

An Arab Sheik has bought Manchester City F.C. and apparently he wants to whisk Ronaldo away from Manchester United for about 130 million pounds.
Can't see Alex Ferguson allowing his star player to leave, after all it's Ronaldo who makes Man Utd what it is.
I get in such a flap when I hear about rich men buying glory and happiness usually in the form of buying people, castles, gems and yachts and it leaves me scratching my head wondering why they can't be satisfied with humdrum happiness...

Take me for instance.
I'm getting on a bit and admittedly when happiness does come along it tends to comes in spits and spurts and dribs and drabs and that's ok and I'm very grateful for it, but to me real happiness has nothing to do with bending the ears of Estate Agents, floating around posh boat shows or traipsing round Hatton Garden, no, I get my satisfaction in Poundland.
But it's not only cheap shops which make Glo glow.
It's a lot of other things too.

Things like:
Stockings/socks/tartan tights
Day trip to London/Southend/Paris
Receiving compliments/advice/cuddles
Good chocolate/Werther's toffees/Nobby's nuts
The X Factor/Radio4/The Weakest Link
Pies/Puddings/Pies
Good films/books/diaries
Birds/foxes/chimpanzees
Telly/Radio/Computer
Soul/Chopin/Eurovision Song Contest
Ceramic birds/little ladies/big bowls
Flouncy skirts/woollies/white blouses
Boots/stilettos/slippers
Pearls/silver/plastic beads
Snow/rain/sunshine

People:
Boo
Mum and dad
The Duchess
John Humphrys
Morgan Freeman
Boris Johnson
Digger
Monty, but only when he's not swinging from a lampshade

I could go on and it's made me wonder how I could ever feel sad...

Lists are Cool!

After the rigours of yesterday I thought it would be nice to have a mid-week laugh.
So here are some lists.

My Favourite outdoor activities:

Walking fast.
Shopping. But only in Southend and London.
Eating bananas on trains
Laying on grass in my under garments with a flannel nearby.
Being up a ladder looking down at my neighbours sheds.
Mowing whilst wearing shorts and with a mobile phone embedded in my skull.

My Favourite indoor activities:

Wearing a lampshade on my bonce and with Monty in my arms.
Reading ghost stories all the time
Writing as if my life depended on it.
Dancing in items of allure when I've had a gin and curry!
Shutting myself in the kitchen with Morgan Freeman and making 12 Rock Cakes
Vacuuming Monty.

My Best Clothes:

Two stunning sun dresses for when it's sunny and I'm feeling flighty.
Several thick sensible woollies for when the sun goes and I've gone all serious.
Silly dresses I wear indoors when the gramophone is loud and I'm running from room to room happy, happy, happy!
Big sensible boots for snow.
Loud rude boots under my nightie. But on a Friday only.
Laura Ashley skirts for when I'm feeling psychic and reading peoples minds.
A glorious black and white top which makes me feel like a million.
A gloriously wicked black hooked skirt to go with it.
Lots of sequinned tops which I will wear one day to a party.Probably.
A red t-shirt and beige cargo pants for when I'm a tom boy
A lycra purple dress for when I'm a big fat girl.

Things I hate:

Canned peas.
Militant fanatics.

Who I'd love to meet:

You.

What I'd do with a million pounds:

Buy myself a cottage in Cornwall and call it Gull Cottage.
Buy a young homeless couple a house. And then disappear.
Donate to animal charities.
Adopt a child from overseas. And name him Christopher.
Go to Sainsburys without a list, calculator or care in the world.

Would a million be enough methinks.