I've been perusing me cupboards and here is a list of what I do not have and why.
Tinned Rice Pudding:
It is anathema to me on account of it being too white and not containing bits of lemon peel.
Tinned Soup:
Because it is not soup as I know it. My soup needs a fork because sometimes it has a bits of cabbage in it. The thought of being tied down and having a spoonful of Heinz Tomato Soup dripped onto my lips keeps me awake at night.
Cook-In Sauces:
I bought one in 1985 and fainted when I opened the tin. I swore never again.
Canned Meat:
Because it reminds me of the War. Corned Beef is ok if one closes one's eyes and thinks of England. But canned Ham is unforgivable and full of water.
Instant Custard:
The country's supply of it should be chucked into a landfill site or poured over giggling women in baths who are doing it for charity and to get their picture in the paper. Do not use this product.
Tubed Garlic:
I must chop and mash my garlic otherwise I can't sing in Italian. I eat bucketloads of real garlic. I do not have any friends.
Cake Mixes:
If I see someone in Sainsbury's even LOOKING at these appalling things I tell the manager to evict them from the store. To make a cake is the best thing on earth. I don't trust people who buy Swiss Rolls.
And perhaps the foodstuff that makes me go most mental is
Cheap Sausages:
Pale insipid pinky winkies without any balls. When I see a bad sausage in Sainsbury's I spin round shouting obscenities, I cry out for the in-store butcher to be relocated and I weep for the wretched animal that had to be put to sleep just so people with no class or money can have a fry-up.
A real Woman's sausage is so powerful you have to kill it to eat it. A real sausage lives on your plate, it breathes and looks at you with contempt, it dares you to eat it.
I kill dozens of the blighters every month. And they love me for it. I float them in cider, I prop them up and against some mash, I slice them into a risotto and I squeeze them into a finger roll. And at all times the sausage in question is the best I can afford.
So on your knees you Cumberland Ring you, try and get the better of me you string of Toulouse, get me in a lather if you dare, you pound of big fat Venison bangers.
And melt me with your long lusciousness you violent Frankfurter.
I will at some time post a piece about what goes on in my kitchen.
And it's not all culinary.
Thank You.
5 comments:
I expect that your kitchen is a haven of erotic paradise with all those long hard thick and thin tools, hard table with hot steamy air. Passion will be high and the results pure pleasure and screams of joy!
I don't know what type of kitchens YOU are used to hanging about in young man, but I'd appreciate a little more decorum from you if you want me to continue publishing your comments.
Kitchens are the nearest place to heaven in my opinion, and I'll not have a rascal like what you are making lurid implications about the comings and goings in the Horsehound kitchen.
Hi Glo!
My pet hates are own brand bread and BOGOFFS! never intend buying bogoffs but I cant resist them. Sad or what?
Victor J
Well Gloria
There's me thinking you are a woman of the world and really you are a combination of fanny craddock and mary whitehouse. Kitchens are places to create masterpeices of culinary perfection in an atmosphere of passion, frustration and achievement using whatever is to hand!Pity the sausage in your hands!
Maybe you prefer to make pies so you can handle all the ingredients and mould the finished product to your requirement
Most items in a can are sub-par. I try to stay away from them as well. Canned meat should be outlawed...like you mentioned about the ham, there is also an unnatural occurence with canned meat and that is "Meat Jell-o". BARF!
Always use fresh garlic. It keeps the vampires away.
I admit I use box cake mixes because I cannot bake. I can cook, but I cannot bake. I have a cake made from scratch that doubles as a doorstop.
And here we go again about the sausages.
Duchess
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