Mum was disappointed.
Sad almost.
Shocked definitely.
Her flat was cold, dark, feeling not at all like home, not at all like two loving people had lived there for over 25 years, she was stunned.

And after making tea mum and me went through every drawer and cupboard heaving out handbags, books and mementoes. It was creepy.

Opening her wardrobe and seeing dad's white shirts and black jacket hanging in the back and her floral blouses and checked trousers right at the front made me wish I wasn't there. But this job had to be done. For some reason.

God it was cold, and mum complained continually about it. "The heat is on" I said but we could have burned dad's entire collection of horse racing books and still the place would have been as cold as Tory politician's heart. But we carried on.

Dragging out photos, purses, keys and dad's wedding ring. Mum was happily sad about finding it and within minutes I'd strung it around her neck.
I didn't like it though. Because, for the first time since he died I felt he'd really really gorn. No more was i going to look into his hazel eyes (so much like mine) no more would I hear his lovely voice. I missed him there and then and wondered when mum would finally let go of all these material things and accept that the life she had with the great man has run its course. Fin. Ended. Disappeared, bubble like.

It was all too depressing and with that depression came the inevitable silence, all of us, mum john and myself, each wondering who'll be the first to say "Lets' Go".

Endless mugs of tea were a poor substitute for the warmth of a loving beating male heart and I saw that much more of this nonsense and mum would deteriorate right in front of my eyes so I suggested we pack as many carrier bags with stuff and leave. I was nastily comparing the once welcoming home with its John Lewis armchairs and old raggedy carpets and brass ornaments with some kind of dreadful home of the dead and I wanted OUT.

Mum agreed immediately and within a few short minutes we were in the car coming back home.

We came back, rested, ate and resumed life and she's been ok ever since.

I'm waiting though for her decision. The decision as to whether she'll go 'home' or stay here.
The nightmare lives on.


I made a nice chicken korma tonight and my hair looks great and I have ambitions for my future...