Nearly time for my Ploughman's lunch. White bread, a few slivers of Cheddar, some squishy Brie and a warm red apple. To drink, probably milk.
Resting on the chair dreaming, eyes wandering slowly from open window to sill from sill down to blue tea plate I'll have a daydream...bright green fields, cold lemon tea, toes pointing skywards. A sudden breeze, the noise of an unknown bird scratching around on a branch. And in the long distance made eerie by hazy heat the sound of nothing at all.
The heat, almost intolerable.

I had a phone call last night.
The soft voiced receptionist at the surgery nervously informing me that Dr R at the hospital spoke with GP telling him that dialysis for mum won't take place. On account of her multitude of cancers. The poor woman having to do the deed was flustered and apologetic.
After hanging up I was angry that a non medical person was telling me about my mum and NOT a doctor, mum's doctor. So after taking Mr Horsehound's advice to 'sleep on it', I washed the dishes, half watched a film and went to bed for what was to be an almost sleepless night. Mother of course didn't know anything.

Early this morning I phoned the surgery.

When I eventually got a call back from the GP I asked him why he let an office person tell me the news that mum won't be treated for kidney failure after all.
He apologised often and loudly saying more than once that he was not an insensitive man and that he had made a mistake and that HE should have called me. Busy he said...
I didn't continue the chat preferring instead to accept his many apologies and hang up..
I'd told him how shocked, angry and disappointed I'd felt, that was enough.

Mum's legs let her down this morning, literally.
A bump and yell and I found her prostrate halfway between the hall and front room. It's a terrible sight seeing someone on their back when there's really no need, when I got her vertical her little yelps of pain cut through my hardened shell.
"Come on you" I joked dragging her to the bathroom.
Seriously ... it's no joke, and funnily enough caring for the feisty bean gives me strength, Figure that one out please because I can't.

I drove to the chemist for prescriptions, picked up the haul of drugs, then into the sweet shop for a Fry's Peppermint Cream.
My head thick with hunger and tiredness but it didn't stop me chattering to Nikki on the till, her false tan and eyelashes are amazing, her jokes abysmal. But she represents normality. Kind of.

Anyway back home and mum's attempt to walk to conservatory for a change of scene.
All well and good I thought till it came to lifting her up orf the two seater red and cream checked sofa to take her back inside.
Oh dear. The bag of bones slipped around........ unable to stand unaided I ended up needing to remove her slippers and jimjam bottoms. Better look and twat than break a shin.
We groped our way out of the boiling conservatory tip toeing our way through the equally hot kitchen ending up in the carpetted hall where her body became unstuffed. I mean she couldn't put one purple foot in front of the other.
After several reassurances that I wouldn't drop her I carried the cursing patient to her bed.
And that's where she'll remain until tomorrow when, she said, she'll be going shopping!
The human spirit, her will to carry on is astounding.
I feel alright now:)